I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize