Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
