In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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