Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
