he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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