Betty ford says i'm here all night
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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