Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I am available for nakedness
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
