I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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