Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
