There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
