I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
