I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize