I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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