in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
