He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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