Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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