In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
