she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
