Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
