i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
