That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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