they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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