During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
