My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
