i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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