no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
