some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
