3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
