It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
