Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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