I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
