JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
