i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Can you bring me the toilet please
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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