maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
