My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
