i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
