i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
