this beer tastes like vomit already
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
