Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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