I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
