My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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