I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize