even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
