I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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