And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
