So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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