Cold hands, warm shart.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
