Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
