he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
