Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
