You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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