i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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