I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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