Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
