hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
